Marriage is a concept that for many of us Iranian is loose. We may be able to tie the issue to a desire for an independent life.
We may think that by becoming our own man and woman, our parents will believe we are adults. No, for many of our Iranian families this is not the case. Children will be children, always. It does not matter how old you are, your Iranian parents have a say in your life, no matter what.
The notion of marriage and independency does not make sense, not to me in any case. We leave one territory of dependency to enter another. Not that marriage does this on its own, no; our Iranian life style makes marriage to become an intricate phenomenon.
Many of our young individuals are financially depended on their parent’s. Why, because we Iranian tend to protect our children all their life. It is therefore many of us Iranian, married or not, are culturally depended on our parent’s view in all aspects of our lives.
Need for approval and confirmations are only some areas where an individual is bounded to many family ties.
Financial dependency on parents for the primary costs of life put pressure on young couples to adhere to the norms of parents and extended family.
Mostly in our culture, happy marriages are characterized by financial wealth, property, bank accounts, cars, jewellery, and a university degree.
Ailing marriages are mostly kept secret; elements of conflicts, abuse, control, and constant arguments impacting children in families.
Active listening, empathy, acceptance, independency, and unconditional love are rarely discussed.
Couple get distracted by families who are advising all the time. The couple cannot make a move without help or support from their parents. Opinions are something we Iranian master of giving. Our young and adult children reach a point of no return for any independent life at all. Marriage, traditions, families involved, Taaroof, Aberoo, family grace, financial concerns, how is important more than who, all and all become nightmares of marriage is most marriages I have seen.
What could be the warning signs for an unhealthy marriage in our culture?
High expectations on marriage, unmet desires for both couples, lack of financial safety for women, lack of healthy dialogue between the couple, blaming and contradicting are most obvious warning signs. However it is not for sure that our parents could heal the issue by their involvement.
The concept of: My mother, your father, your sister, my brother, etc, becomes the poison that ruins attachment and bonding. In terms of seeking for professional help, Iranian notion of Taaroof and Aberoo becomes barriers for the couple to seek help.
Both men and women in the relationship can get trapped, stuck, and bounded to traditions that do not help the marriage at all.
In many cases of divorce, some partners (mostly men) involve children to revenge the other ex-spouse.
Children are trapped in between the two families who are badmouthing each other. Marriage to us Iranian is really touch topic. I guess we need to contemplate a lot before any decision at all.
December 3, 08