Monthly Archives: December 2008

We are Doing It

I have good news.  I am talking about the growth of a new community.  I will explain soon what I mean.
Many years ago I started to talk about the importance of community building among us: Iranian. I did not know how, however I was sure we could do this.
This is exciting that we are now building a community.  We Iranian immigrants are creating our own community, not that we were not part of the greater Canadian community. No, what I mean is that we were looking for a sense of belonging to a cultural community.
The idea is new to all of us, we are learning, and we are sharing.  Our goal is to practice democracy, meaning listening to one another, meaning respecting one another for whomever we are.  We have learned now that we need to grow by being support to one another.
I have been involved with a community group of Iranian who started to meet regularly for many good causes.  It is important to emphasize the initial formation of this grass root society was structured and shaped with the initiative of few individuals early 2006.
The need for exploring a new life style became the major point for regular meetings and sharing experiences. The idea of a non for profit society was a natural and gradual development of ideas and interests that were shared by the involved members.
As per Dec 9, 2008, this group is registered as a non for profit society called:
Rooyesh Cultural Society, our weblog is: http://www.rooyeshgroup.blogspot.com/
We have biweekly meetings and we advertise in the Farsi speaking newspapers and magazines.
I believe we need to get our young people to get involved. We like to encourage Iranian students and individuals who are like to share their views on life in general o join us.
This Society is a non religious, non political group and the main goal for our society is to Practice Democracy.
The purposes of this society are:
•         To promote a community spirit and sense of belonging among Farsi-Speaking population here in British Columbia
•         To enable healthy dialogue with emphasize on practicing Democracy
•         To encourage diversity and social responsibility
•         To offer a place of significance and cultural identity
•         To facilitate change by being an example of how we can break the cycle of isolation, finding new friends, connecting to services, and integrating with our new Canadian home
•         To create a regular meeting space and communication forum for women and men, individuals and families, young and seniors
•         To offer educational seminars, workshops, and discussions about areas of culture that impact our new identity as newcomers and immigrants
For more information contact us.  Everyone is welcome.
Poran Poregbal
www.middlepeace.com

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What People Search for to get to Middlepeace website

Everyday I wake up to think of how my website is doing. I am checking all the searched words or phrases that have lead readers to the Middlepeace website.

Past two years, I have regularly made notes of all those clues that has been helpful for Google to lead readers to visit Middlepeace website.  In summary I can say people are mostly looking for ideas for healthy relationships.

Some one tried to find out “how to help abused daughter.” knowing that someone is trying to help her or his abused daughter made me concern.  I wish that person will find proper help.

I have many search ideas for the “Persian Gang” and I believe they look for one article I have on this website about this serious concern.  I hope that I can make this website more useful to everyone looking for any idea that may concern our Iranian being.

What else people search for?  I see certain keywords, questions, and or sentences that people type in when they search for something.
Sometimes I have long phrases such as” Domestic abuse what happen until the problem is solved.”  Whatever people search for has a meaning for me as a blogger and as a clinical counsellor.

I believe internet has become a private resource for some individuals who do not share their problems with others.  It is obvious that there are many issues in our daily life that we do not know how to handle.  We Iranian as a collective have little confidence in psychology as a tool for building or repairing relationships.  I am sure that this filed as many others have been mishandled and abused in our home country and in our communities.

Once I saw this phrase “psychological problems of housewives who are harassing from their husband’s house.” This verbatim of the typed in question makes me wonder.

This way of searching for solution to very intimate problems reassures me that we Iranian as a group of people do need psycho-educational help. I can count down 300-400 of small words to big phrases which people have goggled for resulting to reach the Middlepeace website. This number may not mean anything, however it gives me ideas that information I am trying to share with my community are important. I will try to respond to most of those inquiries although they are being done anonymously. I will be happy to help if my writing could do that.
All the best
Poran Poregbal

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Marriage to Us Iranian

Marriage is a concept that for many of us Iranian is loose. We may be able to tie the issue to a desire for an independent life.
We may think that by becoming our own man and woman, our parents will believe we are adults.  No, for many of our Iranian families this is not the case. Children will be children, always.  It does not matter how old you are, your Iranian parents have a say in your life, no matter what.

The notion of marriage and independency does not make sense, not to me in any case.  We leave one territory of dependency to enter another. Not that marriage does this on its own, no; our Iranian life style makes marriage to become an intricate phenomenon.

Many of our young individuals are financially depended on their parent’s.  Why, because we Iranian tend to protect our children all their life.  It is therefore many of us Iranian, married or not, are culturally depended on our parent’s view in all aspects of our lives.
Need for   approval and confirmations are only some areas where an individual is bounded to many family ties.

Financial dependency on parents for the primary costs of life put pressure on young couples to adhere to the norms of parents and extended family.

Mostly in our culture, happy marriages are characterized by financial wealth, property, bank accounts, cars, jewellery, and a university degree.

Ailing marriages are mostly kept secret; elements of conflicts, abuse, control, and constant arguments impacting children in families.

Active listening, empathy, acceptance, independency, and unconditional love are rarely discussed.

Couple get distracted by families who are advising all the time. The couple cannot make a move without help or support from their parents. Opinions are something we Iranian master of giving. Our young and adult children reach a point of no return for any independent life at all.  Marriage, traditions, families involved, Taaroof, Aberoo, family grace, financial concerns, how is important more than who, all and all become nightmares of marriage is most marriages I have seen.

What could be the warning signs for an unhealthy marriage in our culture?

High expectations on marriage, unmet desires for both couples, lack of financial safety for women, lack of healthy dialogue between the couple, blaming and contradicting are most obvious warning signs.  However it is not for sure that our parents could heal the issue by their involvement.

The concept of: My mother, your father, your sister, my brother, etc, becomes the poison that ruins attachment and bonding.  In terms of seeking for professional help, Iranian notion of Taaroof and Aberoo becomes barriers for the couple to seek help.

Both men and women in the relationship can get trapped, stuck, and bounded to traditions that do not help the marriage at all.

In many cases of divorce, some partners (mostly men) involve children to revenge the other ex-spouse.

Children are trapped in between the two families who are badmouthing each other.  Marriage to us Iranian is really touch topic. I guess we need to contemplate a lot before any decision at all.

www.middlepeace.com
December 3, 08

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This is What Happend to Iran, Our Iran!

Our home country has been taking as hostage.   This is not a new incident. Thirty years has gone by, without any real acknowledgment of this invasion.  The safety of the world was endangered, just because of this silent invasion of my home country.  No one cared and no one noticed, but us. We had no voice then and we still don’t.  However we will not let go.
Invasion occurred by those who said they were send by god.  They changed the notion of religion forever, at least for us Iranian.  They have been persistent in creating misery.  Our free will is in prison; at least it has been there past thirty years.  Every time we opposed they tighten the ropes of control on our necks.  We got scared of claiming our rights.  We chocked due to the chaos.

Iran as a country has been taken hostage by people who are against happiness and joy.  Millions of us had to relocate, flee, leave, and disconnect due to the level of fear these people created.  Millions of us became victims of this hostile hostage taking inside our home country.   A few circle of applauding supporters have got the best deal in this invasion.  The rest of the nation is on its own.  How about is the psychological damage to these victims?  Well, many books are to be written in addition to few words that has been said by now.  The damage is not known yet.  Generations to come will wonder what happened.

What these hostage takers wanted?  They demanded us to replace our home country for a hallucinated ideology, our culture for illusions, and our life for melancholy.  Partly they have succeeded.  Partly we Iranian, although we are hurt and impacted badly, still we cannot and will not let go.
Hostage taking of our home country did not occur only in a physical format.  The unfolding events during past thirty years resulted to the psychological and political invasion of people’s homes, minds, and beliefs.
They took control over our lives in zero time.  We were disempowered in no time.  Hostage takers got us all in their net, one by one.  This was what they wanted.

Just to refresh our minds. If we do not remember let see how hostage takers operate.  We can look at the Personality traits and character of hostage takers.  They are usually hostile, violent, hateful, inflexible, rigid, dangerous, out of control, and inappropriate.
The hostage takers use variety of methods to get what they want.  Does that ring a bell?

They start with threatening, intimidating, creating crisis, requesting submission, and acting violent, all and all in order to get the power over their victims.

The private logic of hostage takers is that if they get what they want, then they are no longer losers.  They will overcome their own feeling of inferiority.  They will compensate for what they do not have, knowledge, sophistication, and compassion.
Victim rights are never ever the concern of the hostage takers, why should it be?

Some more conscientious hostage takers promise to set victims free, if and when they get the ransoms they are seeking.  However, promises could be only worthless words and gestures.  Gaining power and attention is the main concept when someone or a group of people act as the owner of the victims. This is what we Iranian experience, clearly.

The real illusion is that we start believing our hostage takers.  The real damage is that we start identifying with our hostage takers. We hallucinate that they have the capacity for change or reform.
These wild people would only hurt us more if we believe them.  Promises of the hostage takers of my home country were never real and will not be believed.  Question is when and under what circumstances these hostage takers or better say criminals will give up this crazy act.  The problem is that they have nowhere to go.  We Iranian are doomed to negotiate with our hostage takers, to let them to keep the change of billions they have already received as ransoms, and to ask them to leave us alone.   How would this be done as peaceful as possible? Well, I do not know.

www.middlepeace.com
Dec 1, 08

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